Lessons Learned on Giving and Receiving Advice

I have often heard the joke that opinions are like ____________ because everybody has one! Well I will add to that that most people have more than one opinion very often several that are all conflicting!

I have had some time to reflect this week over our Spring Break and in looking through past notes and letters on my computer I found one that I wrote to my daughter titled “Unwanted Advice Because I Love You.” It brought me back several years (let’s say at least six) to when she was in high school and not necessarily making the right decisions or seeing how her decisions affected others.

What brought the letter on in the first place were my observations of her behavior in treating someone who loved her as an inconvenience. I posted the letter to her door because I knew she would not sit down with me and truly listen so I figured if I put it into words that she could read and go over, it might make an effect. Long story short…It had no effect on her what so ever. She did what she wanted.

What is the lesson from this? Well first as heartfelt (and sage I must say) my advice was, it also was unwanted. Although I thought hanging a note on a teenagers door was a good way to communicate at the time (you mothers of teens out there completely understand this), it was not! Looking back a simple I Love You and am here to talk would have been much better.

As I read and reread the letter, it was all about my past mistakes and how I didn’t want her to treat people as if they had no worth. Although I had learned the lesson, she was not ready. It was all about me and not about her. Fast forward to today and my daughter is happy has some close friends and is getting ready to graduate college. Does she honor and treat people well? Yes. She is actually the champion for the underdog. Is she perfect? No!  Am I? No way!

So what happened, she learned the lesson herself….that is a hard thing for a parent to watch. We often want to spare our children from that painful process of making mistakes and the backlashes that mistakes can cause. Our advice may be good, but it is like saying to three year old that the Pythagorean Theorem is going to come in handy one day! They are not ready!

We do the same thing with our students and even our teachers. Though as leaders we are expected to give advice, we also have to do something to make the receiving party ready to hear advice. If someone is not ready to change they will not!  An example is this week I started a diet. Now I have known for a while that I am carrying a little extra weight but until I made the decision for myself to make a true change, it did not happen. Like a diet, change will be slow, there may be no evidence for weeks and there will be ups and downs, but hopefully a few months from now the change will be noticeable.

So my rules (and these are mine so adjust as you will and realize two paragraphs up I am not perfect)

Advice for Family and Close Friends

1.      It is better if they ask, but if they are doing something that could hurt themselves or others jump in right away and be directive.

2.      When speaking to them do not condescend, but come from a place of love. Try to see and feel what they are going through.

3.      Listen with your heart and mind.

4.      Ask them what they hope to get out of the advice…what is their future goal?

5.      Help them map the way. Lead them but let them make the decisions to change. Just like a diet it won’t work unless they own it.

6.      If they do not take your advice still Love them and be there. Remember change is slow and you may be making small inroads to change but like a diet will not see the results for a while.

Advice for Professionals is pretty much the same maybe with a little more direction.

 Now here is the kicker…..What about when you need advice? Recently I was approached by someone giving me advice. I was offended because not only did I not want to hear it, but I had so many other things on my priority list.  

Reflecting back now the advice was good. So how do we take advice and from who?

Rules for taking advice

1.      Am I perfect? No then listen or schedule a time when you can

2.      Where is this person coming from? Do they have ulterior motives or are they truly on the same page with you and your organization?

3.      Put your ego aside and listen

4.      Ask yourself if this advice fits in with your long range vision

5.      Finally bounce the advice off of someone you know will tell it like it is

Seems pretty simple but as leaders we do get a lot of “unwanted advice.” Some of it is good, some pie in the sky, and some completely not possible. If we listen and truly listen, we at least validate the other person and everyone has worth.

As they say advice is free but good advice is priceless…..make yourself ready to hear…model that behavior for others and the sharing of ideas will flourish.

The Power of Words

I recently watched a YouTube video called “The Power of Words.” To say the video moved me would be an understatement. I quickly sent it to my faculty to share. This is a typical practice for me to send articles or inspiring educational videos to my staff.  What surprised me was their response. Many were moved to tears and made comments to me to the fact.

My question is how will they process the message? Watch the video yourself first to get the effect.

What is the video about really? How will we internalize it? I read some of the comments on YouTube and it is interesting the differences of opinion on the video. Some people only said something to the effect that the man needed to get a job or that money still rules! Was that the message because if it was I totally missed that part.

M y real question is how will we use the message? How will we incorporate this into our lives? Will we just pass it on to others to later forget about it in the bevy of information we receive daily or will we really be the message? I wonder if my teachers will not only watch their words but use this video with their students to elicit their feelings. Will they do exercises with their students on the power of what they say and how they say it. Will they take common phrases even slurs and investigate where they came from and how words do hurt but they can also heal.

The real question is here is now that we have the information how will we use it? Comments…

The Little Things????????

Eventually leadership comes down to what you do on a day to day basis. How do you handle the little things? For we all know those little things to us may be huge to our students or parents.

As I look back on my week, I wonder if I were to be given a report card by my teachers, students, and parents, what would it say? It is true that you cannot please everyone, but was every decision I made in the best interest of the child?

With the larger decisions it is almost easy to use that barometer. Yes I called DSS when I needed to. Check.  Yes, all major evaluation deadlines were met Check! Budget check!  Discipline check!

However there is no check sheet for the little things (which in my opinion may really be the big things).

Did I make time for my students who were so excited about an idea to raise money for a local pet shelter? Did I respect their opinions and let them present their proposal enthusiastically. Did I encourage them?

Did I encourage that student that has trouble with math to give it one more try? What if I work it with you?

Was I available while doing bus duty to speak with parents who felt they had urgent issues?

These are the real tests of leadership. The question what do you do when no one is looking? How do you handle the issues that are not on the school report card or AYP?

I submit to you a tale I have heard repeated often so I do not know who to credit with, but know that this is not original….

Object Lesson About Priorities of Life
A philosophy professor once greeted his new class with this object lesson:
He had an empty, clean quart mayonnaise jar that he held up to the class. In this he poured some rocks about the size of a half dollar. He poured them in until the jar was full. Then he asked the class was the jar full indeed. They all answered that it was full.

The professor then took a bag of smaller pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook it so they would fall into the spaces between the larger rocks. The class laughed.

Once again, he asked, "Is the jar full?"

The class all answered again that it was full.

This time he picked up a cup of sand and poured it into the jar. Naturally, it filled up any left spaces as he shook it.

He told his class to recognize that this represented their life. The rocks are the important things such as your family, your partner, your children, your health, or anything so important to you that you would be nearly devastated if you lost it.

The pebbles are the other things in life that matter such as your house, job and car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff in life.

If you put the sand or the pebbles in the jar first, there will be no room for the rocks. Same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on small stuff (material things), you will never have any time for the things that are truly most important. Pay attention to the things that are most critical in your life. Tell your spouse you love her, spend time playing with your children, take your spouse out dancing, take time for medical checkups. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party, or fix the disposal.

Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter to you. Set your priorities. The rest is just pebbles and sand!

So in education……..do we have it a little mixed up? What are our big rocks? Certainly not AYP or getting a report in on time………

Synchronicity

Ok, so my friends that have been monitoring this site have told me they really like the content but why am I giving them a bunch of book reports as opposed to my own thoughts on spiritual leadership. I guess my answer would be that I have been hiding behind books almost feeling not worthy of putting my own thoughts out there. I mean I don’t have the Doctor in front of my name yet, so at this point in time it is much easier to hide behind those giants out there and continue to be the diligent student. Well every student must take that step and put themselves out there at some point. So here I go…..

The topic of today will be synchronicity. This is a term coined by Carl Jung in the 1920’s that basically means meaningful coincidence. In other words if two seemingly unrelated events present themselves to you within a relatively short period of time, it may be more than coincidence. In fact, you might want to pay attention to it. To me this is when a door or even window opens that you may have thought was closed. This doorway is now open and it is saying “pay attention to me.”

This can be experienced professionally when someone once considered an obstacle to leadership goals of your school or district all of the sudden requires your assistance or their goals change to become more aligned with your vision. Maybe you waited to purchase a technology for your school and for some reason all negotiations seemed excruciatingly slow to the point where you put it on the back burner then when all seems lost a newer, less expensive technology becomes available.  Perhaps you experienced this is your personal life where a door opens.

So what do you do? There are many people that say these are just coincidences so stop looking for meaning where there is none. Other s, like Louis Pasteur say, “Chance favors the prepared mind.” So which is it? ? Thoughts……..